Greg // Bach

comedian // writer // producer // human

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Submitted For Your Approval

Recently, the Whiskey Journal out of Chicago was looking for writers and I submitted an article. If you haven’t heard of online paper, check it out right now. It’s an excellent site with excellent content and I wanted to share my story with you, so have a read.

“Naughty by Nurture” Now Believed To Be The Cause Of O.P.P.

Bloomington, IN – Fresh research has found those suffering from the debilitating condition known as “Other People’s P***Y or P***S (O.P.P.) have renewed optimism for this affliction. Dr. Jonathan Marks from the Kinsey Institute made the shocking announcement at the annual “Junk Drawer Conference”, which addresses lesser-known sexual proclivities.

O.P.P. is currently defined by the DSM IV as “A hereditary condition, which causes sufferers to seek out sexual relations with partners who are already in preexisting relationships”. Dr. Marks expects this definition to change with updated editions.

“We want the world to know, there is hope.” Said Dr. Marks “We’ve already begun working on behavioral therapies in order to get people off of their backs and back on their feet.” For decades, it was commonly accepted O.P.P. was caused by an individual’s being naughty by nature, but the researchers say this is no longer true. “In fact, it’s never been true. Remember, we lived in a day when Doctors advertised cigarettes, but we evolve with new information” Said Dr. Marks.

The experts aren’t the only ones thrilled by the announcement, people from across the country are rejoicing by the institute’s findings. “My mom always said my father was a ‘Rolling Stone’, so I figured my destiny was predetermined.” said Patrick “M. Dawg Shyamalan” Jenks, who watched the conference online. “But it was my attitude towards the “O.P.P.’ing” which was my ultimate downfall.” Mr. Jenks has said he has come to terms with the consequences of his actions and accepts them fully, he has also submitted his name for the first round of tests.

When reached for comment, Anthony “Treach” Criss, leader of the popular 90’s hip-hop trio Naughty By Nature (whose name is derived from the once believed leading symptom) stated; “We wrote this hot song based on the best possible science we could drop at the time.” Criss continued ”I don’t feel guilty for what we did, but ma[aaaa]n, I can’t say there aren’t some regrets.”

Dr. Marks is heading up the outreach effort and will seek federal dollars for an aggressive information campaign, as well as other resources. Those seeking more information can go to www.NOPP.org.

05/21/2014

Greg Bach

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